Only Caregivers Understand

So many aspects of my life changed when my parents became the big center dot on my radar screen. Life became more serious, my work load grew exponentially and my sense of responsibility started to set me apart from what I knew my life to be. I had a sense that I knew where things were going to lead me but I couldn’t think that far ahead. My time horizon and work horizon became very task oriented and I lost sight of my long term plans. I could only handle what I needed to do in the short term. I was just beginning to comprehend the demands and now know that only caregivers understand.

Losing myself to caregiving

I had a handful of good friends that I shared my situation with and vented to occasionally. They listened and sympathized. I spoke of the stress, the diminishing hope I felt regarding my own life and my increasing difficulties coping with the travel back and forth every few weeks. Not only was my time horizon collapsing on a day to day basis but I was completely losing myself in this role of caregiver. I started to notice over time that I no longer had plans or dreams of what my life would be or could be in the future. Even the activities I was engaged in were becoming more of a chore than the fun and entertainment that they were meant to be. At least my sports activities were keeping me healthy by forcing me to go to the gym and workout. Physical training is and was a great antidote to stress.

Gratitude for truly caring friends

One day I was having drinks with a friend and sharing a bit about how I was feeling. She had asked so I gave her the truthful, unfiltered answer even though I’ve learned that most people just want the glossy short answer. There is a big difference between those people who want to know REALLY how things are going versus the casual attempt to sound interested. I know the difference and I know who in my life wants the real answer. Of course some don’t even ask. This is less a statement in the negative but a reflection of gratitude for those friends who truly listen with interest and caring. Those are the people who have helped me get through the tough times.

I realized that only caregivers understand

So after my response, I began to consider there is a lack of understanding and it must be based on experience. My friend went on to ask in a very polite way if I could be overreacting to this set of circumstances because my mother is living in a memory unit. All her needs are met and I don’t have anything to worry about. Right? Well, that’s not quite true. I realized in this conversation that my friend was questioning whether I could call myself a caregiver. Isn’t that what I paid other people to do? It brought me back suddenly to the years that both my grandmothers were in assisted living and my parents were consumed with meeting their needs and overseeing their care. I thought my parents were overreacting and overzealous in their need to be present. So I was suddenly getting it. Perhaps this is not a situation to be understood unless a person has lived it and lived it from a place of love rather than obligation. I have met people who simply write the monthly check and “care” from a distance. Perhaps I don’t trust very easily but I have not been able to care from a distance, either proximity or emotional. Love has driven my level of involvement.

I guess the point to my story is that I don’t expect anyone to understand my life. If someone makes a stupid observation, it comes from an uninformed perspective. It doesn’t matter and there is no reason to react. I’m doing what is right for me and for my mother. Only caregivers understand that.