So much changed the day my father passed away. I had been blindsided and my grief was unbearable at times. I felt like I failed him miserably because my focus had been 100% on my mother. It took me months to fully comprehend the impact of losing my father on the care plan for my mother. I had been naively living my life, paying the bills and thinking that everything was under control because mom was in a nice memory unit. But as time passed I became keenly aware that I had relied heavily on my father as the “boots on the ground”. Even though the unit management reported to me on a regular basis, my father had been eyes on my mother daily. We talked often and he filled me in on how she looked, behaviors and any issues he saw. He was even going out to buy her the things she needed like deodorant and shampoo. I think as I dealt with my grief I was slow to process how our needs changed. I include myself in that statement because my level of responsibility shifted again to fully impact my life.
Assessing the current facility and memory unit
At one basic level nothing had changed. My mother still needed the safety and care provided in a memory unit. Assisted living was still appropriate. Many of the reasons for choosing the current facility had to do with proximity to my father’s apartment, just 2 floors below mother’s room, as well as the choice of amenities available for them to enjoy together as a couple. Dad had wanted to spend time with his wife every day. She had been the love of his life. And my mother had loved their “dates”.
After making initial inquiries from other facilities, I determined that we were paying a premium each month of about $2200 on my mother’s bill. I equated that premium to the amenities like the grand common areas, swimming pool, in-house cinema and facility boat and pier as well as the fabulous entertainment they brought in 5 days a week. Now she was alone there and really unable to take advantage of these amenities unless I was there.
Going forward how could I enhance her quality of life
Specifically what did I think my mother needed now? I would continue to require the highest quality of personal care and oversight for my mother as well as nice, clean surroundings and high quality food. But what else would make her days happiest at the current stage of her disease? Certain things were obvious to me. She needed more space to walk and explore. Mom was at that stage where she walked constantly. When she wasn’t sleeping or eating, she was walking and exploring. Second, mom needed to get outside more often so self-access to a secure outside garden or terrace would make her happy. She loved being outdoors and watching the birds but of course it would have to be supervised or monitored. And finally, more social activities would keep her engaged.
These were all needs that were lacking at the current assisted living memory unit. The personal care was great but mom only had a hallway on the memory care floor where she could walk. There had been a lot of turnover in the activities position so organized activities in the memory unit were severely lacking. Also, without my father, mom only got outside when a group of the residents went downstairs to the terrace once a week. So these became my guidelines for my search for a new memory unit.
I was finally facing the practical effects of losing my father. These were key reasons to now move my mother. I had to put a plan together to find appropriate memory units, determine how to evaluate them based on our needs, drop everything going on in my own life and identify a timeline that worked. This effort suddenly became a priority.
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