It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m on the last leg of a quick 5 day trip. This has been a significant and important trip in a number of ways and I’ve been joyfully contemplating it all. While this leg of my journey is not particularly noteworthy – a flight from Seattle, WA to Kansas City, MO – it is a reminder of so many things that I have lost sight of during the last 5 months. I haven’t had many breaks recently from my caregiver/advocate role and it has left me anxious. Caregiver exhaustion is a real thing.
Exhausted mentally and physically
Over the last few months I’ve become unhappy and just plain exhausted mentally and physically. Some days all I have wanted to do is cry and run away from home. Mom is my number one priority all the time and I love my time with her. Truly. The reality is that I need to be present for her as it is important to her quality of life. It is therefore important that I find a way to alleviate caregiver exhaustion on a regular basis.
The time that I carve out of my day to spend with my mother is draining. I’m not sure why that is except that I feel as though it is all giving, which is an outflow of energy, both physical and emotional. Even though it is a happy and satisfying time the energy flow is from me to her and not the other way around. My typical visit includes feeding her lunch or dinner (I’m not an early bird) and spending time with her walking. She enjoys my antics – I sing, dance and make her laugh as we cruise the hallways. And I intersperse hugs and kisses into the visit and she always enjoys that. Recently I feel like the only joyful time in my day is the time I spend with mom even though it wears me out completely.
Today I feel good. I’ve had a five day break in the routine and the only expenditure of energy has been for travel and hiking around Seattle. I guess that could be considered significant but somehow it feels like such a positive banking of energy. The more I explore the more energized I feel. It seems to me that this good feeling can be attributed to a few things but all to do with the things that are important to me.
Taking a break for self care
This comes down to who I am and what gets me jazzed in life. I think probably everyone has certain things that get them jazzed and make them want to get up in the morning with a song in their heart. This week I set out on this journey with intention to feed my soul. The activities that I included in this journey I knew would do that – dinner with dear friends that I don’t see all the time, a change in geography including a totally different landscape, reconnecting with an old friend, time in a favorite place and time exploring new places. These things I need to always go back to – satisfying relationships, favorite places and new adventures.
I also learned about something else missing from my life that can be calming on a daily basis. Music. At every time in my life that has been happy and going well, I’ve had music running through my head all the time and playing in my house all the time. That’s been noticeably missing but I didn’t realize it until the past few days. How did I discover this? I had the good fortune to stay at a friend’s house in Seattle and I discovered his wifi sound system. I downloaded the app to my phone and played music all the time I was in the house. It was wonderful! I played my favorite Pandora stations and they followed me from room to room. It made me sing and I’ve decided to intentionally add music back to my everyday life.
As I fly home to mom, I have a feeling that I can’t wait to see her and give her a big hug and kiss. I love her so much. Today I feel mentally and physically rejuvenated. This short break was so important to me that I have made a pact with myself. I will find a way to be true to me. I will find ways to counteract caregiver exhaustion and rejuvenate regularly.
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