As my mother’s caregiver, one of the most pervasive and destructive emotions that I experience on an ongoing basis is that of guilt. I probably wrestle with caregiver guilt if not daily, then fairly close to it. Some days are worse than others because I’ve planned something related to mom but the plan gets derailed over the course of the day. For example, I can plan my day and intend to spend time with her in the evening but I fall asleep on the sofa and don’t get there. Then I’m upset with myself and carry that burden with me to bed at night. This sense of guilt can really wear me down.
While I’ve been keenly aware of this emotional force in my day-to-day life, I’ve been quick to dismiss it as something fleeting and having little harm. The truth is that I haven’t wanted to acknowledge its presence or its relative impact on me. But a recent conversation with another family member lodged the subject of caregiver guilt uncomfortably in my consciousness. I can’t dismiss it. It’s there hovering over my head like a dark threatening storm cloud. I think I need to address it.
In July I had taken my customary trip north to visit friends and enjoy the familiarity of being home. As I prepared to make that trip, I made sure that every detail was covered for my mother. I rescheduled her care plan meeting to make sure I could attend, reorganized her clothing and shopped for 6 new outfits, filled her sock drawer with a new supply, laundered her stuffed animals and told her I loved her before I left. I recall the twinge of anxiety I felt as I drove away.
Forced to acknowledge guilt
When I returned from vacation, mom was as fine as she could be as a late stage Alzheimer’s patient. I caught up with various family members in the days following. Then one afternoon I was totally deflated when one woman said to me, “Oh, I could never leave her for that long!” while patting her mom on the shoulder. I felt like dirt instantly and carried that with me the rest of the day. As I thought about it more, I realized that this caregiver guilt resides just below the surface all the time, nagging and reminding me that my commitment to mom is not enough. Really? Is this true?
According to Dictionary.com, guilt is a noun defined as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” My actions do not rise to the level of offense or crime in the legal sense. But my sense of responsibility toward my mother is very real and very strong. I know that I’m all she has for family and I take that seriously. I believe that her quality of life depends on my presence and advocacy.
How do I manage caregiver guilt?
Clearly I’m wrestling with a sense of falling short as my mother’s caregiver. Am I being fair to myself? Or is this sense of guilt based on an imagined rather than actual failure? The other element of this is the intertwining of the level of action I take with the level of love I feel toward my mother. When I think about all I should do, because I love her, there is no way that I can do everything I expect of myself. Further, there is no way for me to live a healthy and happy life if I devote all my energy to caregiving. This is certainly an emotional predicament. I’m wondering how to manage this caregiver guilt.
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