Waiting for Crisis with No Care Plan

After I learned the secret that my parents were hiding from me, that my mother had Alzheimer’s, I worried excessively. I wanted my father to prepare for changes in my mother and in the way they lived. My father seemed to be waiting for crisis with no care plan for my mother. The situation elevated my stress level.

I was distraught because he seemed to be waiting for crisis with no care plan devised for my mother.

As mom’s symptoms got more noticeable, I got more anxious and tried to engage my father. I visited often and kept a regular log of mom’s behaviors. The volumes of literature I sent to dad seemed to go unread. I found support groups for him, one even had companion care during the meetings, and I found someone reliable to help with the house. Dad was unwavering though and continued his routine and his life. He did alter his bike route in the morning to check on mom. Otherwise he seemed oblivious to what was going on around him. He refused services. He cared for his wife alone and told me that no one can predict the future. 

I would visit and lay awake at night fretting about how to help. I could hear mom puttering around the house. Dad slept soundly. He had no care plan that I could see. Disaster seemed imminent and his lack of preparation seemed so inadequate for my mother’s safety or quality of life.

With no close family, I reached out to Dad’s closest friends.

We have no other close family so I reached out to Dad’s closest friends to meet for lunch and get their advice. Joe and Wimpy were stunned to learn about my mother because dad never spoke of any problems on the phone. My father’s dear friends became my inner circle, my support group. We decided collectively not to tell dad that we spoke.Joe flew to see my parents almost immediately. Their friendship is rare these days as it has spanned their lifetimes from grade school through high school, baseball, the military, college and their respective careers in banking and finance. Joe was my father’s best man and often reflected they were more like brothers. During Joe’s visit, he got dad out for coffee a few times but dad would never stay out too long because mom was alone. I was distraught that even after their honest discussions, dad still did not plan or accept help, even from me. He told me to live my life and not worry about them. What an absurd expectation!

I worried but knew that my father was caring for my mother to the best of his abilities and dad was still legally competent and in control. Despite having their end of life documents and powers of attorney, at that point in time, there was no legal basis for me to make any decisions or take any action on their behalf. My father declined my help. I wanted to help but it was not my right to impose or interfere and I did not want to alienate my father. He seemed to be waiting for crisis with no care plan for my mother.

In hindsight, Dad prepared as best he could.

With the benefit of hindsight, I have realized that my father probably did have a care plan all along and that plan was me. Apparently he was confident I would handle it. He had in fact prepared all the finances for me to take over and he left one brochure on the top of his desk. The brochure was for the facility where they lived together on separate floors.